Tag Archives: marriage

why i think “princeton mom” is wrong

28 Mar

independent women

Princeton Mom’s article: https://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/susan-patton-princeton-mom-make-babies-now-231725916.html

So, “Princeton Mom” Susan Patton is advising young women in Ivy League Colleges to find a husband while still in College. While I agree with her premise that College has the highest density of potential eligible men, that is where my agreement with her stops.

For one, she assumes that young women in their late teens and early twenties have enough life experience to pick a good long term husband. If young women get married and have kids too early, they are doomed to a life-long relationship with men who could be life-long trouble-makers like being abusive. Very intelligent men (and women) are also likely to have higher rate of social abnormalities.

Second, having a child too early in life saddles people with high level of responsibilities that there is no escape from. You can switch careers relatively easily, but if you realize parenthood is not for you, you don’t really have many options. It is better to take time and understand yourself, and have kids when you are really ready for them.

Third, having children too early in life significantly reduces your enjoyment of life experiences like adventure-traveling, fine dining etc. You are also limited in hours and energy in building your career. It is much harder to start building your career at age 40 than it would be at age 25. You are older, have less energy, technology has moved on and you have lost a lot of your professional confidence seeing your peers get ahead while you “made other choices”.

Fourth, one parent has to take a step back in their career to raise kids. It doesn’t matter which one. Kids need their parents on-site, and cannot be raised through remote parenting. This dynamic often makes one parent “dependent” upon the other, leading to unequal relationships. If the career-parent is abusive, or suffers from some social/mental disorders, it can be hell for the on-site parent. If the marriage doesn’t work-out, the on-site parent will be under greater financial burden in trying to now take off their own career.

Fifth, with higher life expectancy, people can expect to live until their eighties or nineties. It is unreasonable to expect that most people will be happy with the same spouse they picked in their twenties. People grow and evolve, and sometimes diverge from each other. It is important to gain some life experience, and really understand your own priorities and values, before picking a life partner. Many folks are not even clear on their sexual-orientation until later in life!

Marrying young and having children early has its advantages, but only if you can control every single variable in your life. That is often NOT the case. I would advise young people to wait, and really know what they are getting into. If you meet someone special in College, date them some more. There’s no rush. The world is full of people, and you have a long life!

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dating advice if you have reached a “certain” age

21 Jan

If you have a reached a “certain” age, and are still not in a long term or committed relationship, here are some things you can try. Oh, and if you are wondering what a “certain” age is, then let me tell you, only you know the number. If you feel you have been single (or single-again) long enough, then it is your “certain” age. If you are still happy being single, then you have not reached the “certain” age. No one else can determine that for you.

Meeting: Go out and meet people. Do things you love, and do things that most folks of the opposite gender love. There are plenty of online groups like meetup etc., where you can find such events being organized. Join online dating web-sites. Let your friends and family know you are looking to meet people. Accept invitations, dates, setups etc. You have to put yourself out there and meet people. There is no substitute for that. Set-up/introduce your other single friends if you meet someone not right for you, but may be right for them. You never know, someone may be so happy that they might actually return the favor 🙂

Weeding: Let people know upfront that you are looking for a steady, long term, committed relationship. That will weed out most of the folks who are looking for a casual fling, are still “window shopping”, or simply not ready to give-up their singledom. Don’t worry, you are not losing potential mates, you are only losing the time-wasting distractors. You would be surprised how many there are!

Staying put: Once you have met someone interesting, who catches your fancy, and is also looking for a long term steady relationship, then commit to them. That does not mean you start making declarations of ever-lasting love, but it means, commit to them in your mind that you will see this relationship through with a sincere and honest effort. Spend time with them, and genuinely get to know them. Stop playing games. Return messages and calls as soon as you are able. Ensure you spend time talking to them over the phone, if not in person, on a regular basis. Do not “keep your options open” or date multiple people at the same time. You are old enough to know what’s out there, and what you can get. If you are unsure, and still want to keep your options open, either you have not reached the “certain” age, or you are seeing red flags and this person is not right for you. Next!

Taking it slow: Go slow if you must, but understand what that means. It does not mean you create artificial communication gaps – returning calls with text, waiting 2 days after a great date to message back, and so on. It means, do not get engaged or married in a hurry because you can’t wait to have kids (or whatever your reason is). It means, do not jump into bed even before you know if you can spend an entire day or a weekend with them without wishing at least one of you were dead 😛 Take your time on physical intimacy and life-changing commitments, but do move at a natural pace to really get to know the person and see if you enjoy their company. If you feel like calling, call. If you feel like asking them out, then do so. Make sure you get an enthusiastic response from them every time you reach out, or you give them an enthusiastic response when they reach out to you. Make them feel special, and also see if they make you feel special as well. That way, you won’t be chasing someone who is not interested in you.

Dealing with issues: And certainly take it slow when you run into issues, do not run for the door. You can break-up any time, but really put in your best effort before you call it quits. Think about the issues, and try to resolve them with mature dialogue and discussion. (Unless you both are addicted to feelings of anger and drama, and enjoy the fights. In that case, all bets are off 🙂 ). Ask for advice from folks who are in long term committed relationships, talk to therapists if that might help. If your partner refuses to go, you can go alone. They are most likely to tell you examples of how to make things work, rather than the standard advice of “plenty of fish”. And most important, bring-up all issues and concerns with your partner directly. Do NOT use middlemen (or middle women) to convey messages. If you can’t have a direct dialogue with your partner, that is cause for concern. Either you need to get more assertive and speak-up, or tone yourself down so your partner feels safe in speaking-up.

Keeping yourself inspired: Read stories about long term relationships, how they met, and talk to your own family and friends of how they faced challenges in life. Such stories are inspiring and help develop a problem-solving attitude, rather than encouraging to take the easy exit. And if you believe in the Laws of Attraction, then it will bring in more positive energy in your life.

I hope some of these ideas help. If you have any more to share, I would love to hear from you!

 

in defense of educated partners

21 Aug

Deep thought today, in defense of educated partners

As I watched this video, http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/upgrade-your-life/ways-date-dig-gold-uh-hook-163603898.html , I was zoning out, multi-tasking with, you know, the all-important job of staying updated with the Face Book news feed. And suddenly, one of the comments jolted me awake! Yeah, the “gold-digger” one. For some reason, that really brought -out the thought-sharing feeling in me.  You know, the one where I’m tempted to speak-out loud, but there are no listeners, because Face Book is a solitary sport.

And, I wondered why we Americans look-down upon those searching for a college-educated partner. It’s not necessarily about the money. College-educated folks will most likely get you to sign a pre-nup anyways. They’re smart about things like that. Or, at least, I expect them to be.

If you talk to folks who grew-up in Asia, most notably in China and India, the whole focus is on education. It is important to get a good job, and be able to support a family, before you start one. In practical terms, it indicates the person is hard-working, dedicated and committed. They set goals and stick to the plans, even when the going gets tough. A consistent employment history shows they can manage to work with people without pissing them off enough to get fired. Or, they don’t give-in to whimsical “I quit” tantrums. They learn and grow on the job as the requirements and job descriptions change.

As a partner and co-parent, you could expect them to stay with you through difficult times, and work through the challenges. If you do end-up getting divorced, they are more likely to stay involved with the kids. The more accomplished they feel, the deeper the desire in them to “pass-on” their legacy. People with low self-esteem have a hard time being role-models for kids, because kids hold-up a unique mirror to our souls.

Oh, and if they’ve been convicted and sent to jail, for any reason whatsoever, stay away from them. Most laws in America follow basic character qualities. If they broke a law, it would also indicate some serious character flaw that goes with it. (That applies even if they are highly educated).

So folks, what do you think… is it “wrong” to look for a College-educated partner, with a steady job?