Tag Archives: Boyfriend

dating advice if you have reached a “certain” age

21 Jan

If you have a reached a “certain” age, and are still not in a long term or committed relationship, here are some things you can try. Oh, and if you are wondering what a “certain” age is, then let me tell you, only you know the number. If you feel you have been single (or single-again) long enough, then it is your “certain” age. If you are still happy being single, then you have not reached the “certain” age. No one else can determine that for you.

Meeting: Go out and meet people. Do things you love, and do things that most folks of the opposite gender love. There are plenty of online groups like meetup etc., where you can find such events being organized. Join online dating web-sites. Let your friends and family know you are looking to meet people. Accept invitations, dates, setups etc. You have to put yourself out there and meet people. There is no substitute for that. Set-up/introduce your other single friends if you meet someone not right for you, but may be right for them. You never know, someone may be so happy that they might actually return the favor 🙂

Weeding: Let people know upfront that you are looking for a steady, long term, committed relationship. That will weed out most of the folks who are looking for a casual fling, are still “window shopping”, or simply not ready to give-up their singledom. Don’t worry, you are not losing potential mates, you are only losing the time-wasting distractors. You would be surprised how many there are!

Staying put: Once you have met someone interesting, who catches your fancy, and is also looking for a long term steady relationship, then commit to them. That does not mean you start making declarations of ever-lasting love, but it means, commit to them in your mind that you will see this relationship through with a sincere and honest effort. Spend time with them, and genuinely get to know them. Stop playing games. Return messages and calls as soon as you are able. Ensure you spend time talking to them over the phone, if not in person, on a regular basis. Do not “keep your options open” or date multiple people at the same time. You are old enough to know what’s out there, and what you can get. If you are unsure, and still want to keep your options open, either you have not reached the “certain” age, or you are seeing red flags and this person is not right for you. Next!

Taking it slow: Go slow if you must, but understand what that means. It does not mean you create artificial communication gaps – returning calls with text, waiting 2 days after a great date to message back, and so on. It means, do not get engaged or married in a hurry because you can’t wait to have kids (or whatever your reason is). It means, do not jump into bed even before you know if you can spend an entire day or a weekend with them without wishing at least one of you were dead 😛 Take your time on physical intimacy and life-changing commitments, but do move at a natural pace to really get to know the person and see if you enjoy their company. If you feel like calling, call. If you feel like asking them out, then do so. Make sure you get an enthusiastic response from them every time you reach out, or you give them an enthusiastic response when they reach out to you. Make them feel special, and also see if they make you feel special as well. That way, you won’t be chasing someone who is not interested in you.

Dealing with issues: And certainly take it slow when you run into issues, do not run for the door. You can break-up any time, but really put in your best effort before you call it quits. Think about the issues, and try to resolve them with mature dialogue and discussion. (Unless you both are addicted to feelings of anger and drama, and enjoy the fights. In that case, all bets are off 🙂 ). Ask for advice from folks who are in long term committed relationships, talk to therapists if that might help. If your partner refuses to go, you can go alone. They are most likely to tell you examples of how to make things work, rather than the standard advice of “plenty of fish”. And most important, bring-up all issues and concerns with your partner directly. Do NOT use middlemen (or middle women) to convey messages. If you can’t have a direct dialogue with your partner, that is cause for concern. Either you need to get more assertive and speak-up, or tone yourself down so your partner feels safe in speaking-up.

Keeping yourself inspired: Read stories about long term relationships, how they met, and talk to your own family and friends of how they faced challenges in life. Such stories are inspiring and help develop a problem-solving attitude, rather than encouraging to take the easy exit. And if you believe in the Laws of Attraction, then it will bring in more positive energy in your life.

I hope some of these ideas help. If you have any more to share, I would love to hear from you!



how Not to get friend-zoned

22 Aug

My new friend noahzukowski posted a blog about guys being friend-zoned here http://noahzukowski.wordpress.com/2013/08/19/ladder-theory-the-ever-accursed-friend-zone/  That inspired some thoughts today.

I believe, you can move from being a great friend  to a potential mate “when you become more attractive as a mate than you are as a friend”. If she already likes you as a friend, chances are, she is willing to spend time with you and is not repelled by you. So, how do you get her to see you in a different light? Here are some ideas and tips. Try them out and let me know if they worked for you.

Act like a guy looking for a relationship. With her.

Don’t just “hang”, ask her out on an evening date. Plan something nice.  A place with good ambiance, where she will naturally have to  dress-up. Dress-up well yourself, too. Open doors for her. Talk about fun things. Flirt with her. Then take her to a naturally quiet place like by the seaside or a lake, watching the stars and the moon. And then, just once, towards the end, have a really intense moment with her when everything becomes really quiet, and its just the two of you.

Don’t let her talk about ex-boyfriends or other guys that are interested in her. Don’t give her advice how to deal with other men. Allow your mild jealously to show-up. No, don’t be controlling, but let her know you would rather talk about the two of you than any third wheel.

Take-on some “male” roles in her life. See where she needs help and offer your expertise there. Some ideas are to offer to pick her up and drive every time you have to go somewhere. Fix small things around her apartment. Help her figure-out her finances, Or whatever else you are good at, and she could use the help.

Enlist her help with some traditional “female” roles in your life. See what she is good at, and ask her help there. It could be to help you set-up your apartment, buy clothes for yourself, advice with kids/nieces/nephews, recipes for cooking etc.

Buy her flowers and chocolates. And when she asks, don’t say they are “just like that”, or “because you are a good friend” or “you did x for me”. Tell her you got them because you thought she might like them, or that you like to see her smile, or something like that.

Compliment her when she looks nice. Make sure she knows its a compliment coming from a guy, not “a friend”. For example, don’t say the dress looks good on her, or her new hairstyle is nice. That would be giving her advice as a friend.Tell her something like “Wow! You’re looking good”, like a guy who loves how she looks, regardless of details like her dress or makeup.

All the while, keep flirting and letting her know you want to cross your platonic boundaries. As a potential mate, you need to let her see you as a “provider and a partner”, and not just as a “nice person”.

Good luck!

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