Archive | January, 2014

dating advice if you have reached a “certain” age

21 Jan

If you have a reached a “certain” age, and are still not in a long term or committed relationship, here are some things you can try. Oh, and if you are wondering what a “certain” age is, then let me tell you, only you know the number. If you feel you have been single (or single-again) long enough, then it is your “certain” age. If you are still happy being single, then you have not reached the “certain” age. No one else can determine that for you.

Meeting: Go out and meet people. Do things you love, and do things that most folks of the opposite gender love. There are plenty of online groups like meetup etc., where you can find such events being organized. Join online dating web-sites. Let your friends and family know you are looking to meet people. Accept invitations, dates, setups etc. You have to put yourself out there and meet people. There is no substitute for that. Set-up/introduce your other single friends if you meet someone not right for you, but may be right for them. You never know, someone may be so happy that they might actually return the favor 🙂

Weeding: Let people know upfront that you are looking for a steady, long term, committed relationship. That will weed out most of the folks who are looking for a casual fling, are still “window shopping”, or simply not ready to give-up their singledom. Don’t worry, you are not losing potential mates, you are only losing the time-wasting distractors. You would be surprised how many there are!

Staying put: Once you have met someone interesting, who catches your fancy, and is also looking for a long term steady relationship, then commit to them. That does not mean you start making declarations of ever-lasting love, but it means, commit to them in your mind that you will see this relationship through with a sincere and honest effort. Spend time with them, and genuinely get to know them. Stop playing games. Return messages and calls as soon as you are able. Ensure you spend time talking to them over the phone, if not in person, on a regular basis. Do not “keep your options open” or date multiple people at the same time. You are old enough to know what’s out there, and what you can get. If you are unsure, and still want to keep your options open, either you have not reached the “certain” age, or you are seeing red flags and this person is not right for you. Next!

Taking it slow: Go slow if you must, but understand what that means. It does not mean you create artificial communication gaps – returning calls with text, waiting 2 days after a great date to message back, and so on. It means, do not get engaged or married in a hurry because you can’t wait to have kids (or whatever your reason is). It means, do not jump into bed even before you know if you can spend an entire day or a weekend with them without wishing at least one of you were dead 😛 Take your time on physical intimacy and life-changing commitments, but do move at a natural pace to really get to know the person and see if you enjoy their company. If you feel like calling, call. If you feel like asking them out, then do so. Make sure you get an enthusiastic response from them every time you reach out, or you give them an enthusiastic response when they reach out to you. Make them feel special, and also see if they make you feel special as well. That way, you won’t be chasing someone who is not interested in you.

Dealing with issues: And certainly take it slow when you run into issues, do not run for the door. You can break-up any time, but really put in your best effort before you call it quits. Think about the issues, and try to resolve them with mature dialogue and discussion. (Unless you both are addicted to feelings of anger and drama, and enjoy the fights. In that case, all bets are off 🙂 ). Ask for advice from folks who are in long term committed relationships, talk to therapists if that might help. If your partner refuses to go, you can go alone. They are most likely to tell you examples of how to make things work, rather than the standard advice of “plenty of fish”. And most important, bring-up all issues and concerns with your partner directly. Do NOT use middlemen (or middle women) to convey messages. If you can’t have a direct dialogue with your partner, that is cause for concern. Either you need to get more assertive and speak-up, or tone yourself down so your partner feels safe in speaking-up.

Keeping yourself inspired: Read stories about long term relationships, how they met, and talk to your own family and friends of how they faced challenges in life. Such stories are inspiring and help develop a problem-solving attitude, rather than encouraging to take the easy exit. And if you believe in the Laws of Attraction, then it will bring in more positive energy in your life.

I hope some of these ideas help. If you have any more to share, I would love to hear from you!

 

the case of jahi mcmath

7 Jan

Jahi McMath was a 13 year old girl, who went in to the Oakland Children’s for a routine surgery to treat sleep apnea. Things went wrong quickly after the surgery, and, from all, accounts, the hospital didn’t handle it right. Her mom was just advised to just hold a container up her nose where it was bleeding abnormally. When the bleeding continued, her mom was handed a bucket! Shocking!!

Eventually, the young girl’s condition deteriorated until she was finally declared “brain dead”. And then the controversy started. Her family wanted to move her into long term care, while the hospital wanted to “pull the plug”. There were many more details, defining what procedures hospitals can perform on “dead” patients, and the Courts got involved.

Reading newspaper articles and various blog posts, it appears that most people are focusing on the technicality of death. They are dismissive of a mom’s guilt for taking her daughter to the operation that eventually got botched. And that is the problem. This is an emotional issue, and people are trying to close it logically. That doesn’t work. It leaves the mother feeling cheated, and fighting in the Courts. She will never get closure.

The whole point of advances in Medical Science is so to improve the quality of life. And Closure is an important part of that. What the mom needs is help in moving towards closure. It doesn’t matter if the child is brain dead. Mom is feeling guilty about having taken her to the operation in the first place. She feels helpless and frustrated at not being able to help her daughter when things went wrong. In her time of sadness and grief, she is forced to be hostile and defensive, running to Courts, dividing the nation and questioning the laws. It bought some time for the mom, in a very very conflictual way.

A better solution would have been for the Hospital to make-up for the post-operative neglect. They should have helped the mom move her daughter to a long term care facility. Provided some caring, sympathetic, hospice care until mom came to terms with her loss. It would have taken 1-2 weeks. And that path would have been kind and compassionate, making amends for the mistakes that happened. That would have been a private and dignified path for the young girl that was deceased.

 

a different kind of experience

4 Jan

I received the following email in my inbox, one of those endlessly forwarded emails. But, it was such an amazing tale, that I wanted to share it on my blog too. If anyone knows the original author, please let me know, and I will be happy to credit it to them. I am simply copy/pasting the email I received, with some changes in formatting, to fit this blog’s line width.

Quote

I was invited to one Friday evening event by one of MNC Vendor organization who had organized the event to raise funds for the visually handicapped people in a center for blind people.
 
As usual, since it was a Friday evening, I first thought to skip the event considering it could be a bit boring and rather spend the evening relaxing by some other means.
 
But being alone and sometimes finding it difficult to kill time, I thought to accept the invitation and registered online for booking. Moreover it was free 🙂 which was another motivation to go to the event. I was looking at the event to pass some time, meet few people and nothing else.
 
When I went there, there were approx 40 people from various industries invited for that event. I found some Indians and naturally talked to them about how life is in Singapore etc etc. Initially we were shown a video about the visually handicapped center. What are their activities, how are they helping blind people in Singapore to leave more fulfilling life, etc .. It was a short 15 minute video and quite inspiring that how people from different walks of life spend time in helping these blind people without expecting anything in return. They shared the satisfaction and fulfillment they get by helping them.
 
After the video, we all were gathered in a hall and were briefed about next event. The theme of the next event was “Dining in the Dark”. And this is the event which turned out to be inspiring and worth sharing.
 
What is meant was that we all 40+ people were going to have Dinner in a pitch Dark room !!!! The next 2 hours were completely planned, organized, directed and executed by three blind youths. One was a girl (Leader) and other two boys were assistant to her forming a team of three blind volunteers.
 
The blind leader first gave us tips for dining (These were ACTUAL STANDARDS THE BLIND PEOPLE FOLLOW IN ORDER TO MAKE THERE LIFE EASIER)
 
1, When you sit at your table the things will be placed as follows :
at 3 o clock of your dish : You will find a spoon.
at 9 o clock : Fork;
12 o clock : spoon.
2 o clock : Empty Glass
Dish at the center with Paper napkin tucked at 6 o clock.
 
2. There will be two large Jugs circulated to you. The Jug with plain walls will have water and the Jug with curved wall will have orange juice.
 
3. When you get your Jug based on your choice you have to pour it in your glass. You have to dip your forefinger in the glass so that when you fill it and the liquid touches your finger, you have to stop pouring. She asked whether everyone has understood . All said yes but everyone was confused and trying to remember what she said and confirming with each other. Next 1 1/2 hours we spent were full of fun and learning. In completely pitch dark room where we could not see ANYTHING we were enjoying various delicious food without seeing it.
 
We all 40 people were taken in groups in the dark hall . Each one was directed by blind person till he/she sits on a chair (We were finding it awkward because actually we are supposed to guide blind people to their destination and help them)
 
We were Served full five course dinner by this team of three blind people- Welcome drinks, appetizers, starters , main course and desserts. The amazing thing was that the team of three blind people were serving exactly vegetarian dishes to vegetarian people who were sitting randomly in the room !!!
 
While registering online we were asked question to choose from “Vegetarian” or “Non vegetarian”. I obviously chose Vegetarian, being one. We were so nicely hosted that we did not had to wait in between serves. As we were ending finishing one dish, we were served with next without any delays.
 
After approx 1 and half hours of Dining in the dark, the leader asked whether everyone has finished eating. After confirmation she switched on the lights of the dining room. We left the Dining room with tears in our eyes.
 
We realized how lucky we are and how we have been gifted with beautiful eyes to see the beautiful world. We realized how difficult lives of blind people are (and other handicapped) without being able to see. We realized how uncomfortable we were for just two hours without being able to see anything and how they must be living their lives. We realized how unfortunate we are, that we do not value such simple things in life we have and cry (sometime louder, sometime within ourselves) and run after what we don’t have ……………..for whole of our lives without having time to adore for the things we have.
 
Be cheerful. Adore whatever you have in life. You may try for whatever you dont have but never feel sad about it.
 
You need to experience it, something like I had experienced, to believe this philosophy of life.
 
If you like this article : Pass on to those you think you should share.
 UNQUOTE
 
What an incredible experience! In trying to find the original author, I found a restaurant chain which offers similar experience. I haven’t been to it yet, but maybe, it’s worth adding to my bucket list?